If you saw Epic Movie between 2.3.2007 and 2.13.2007

I am sorry. Because I did not do my duty to warn you as early as I could have to NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. Under no circumstances should it happen. Except, possibly, if you are extremely drunk, and it's on DVD, and someone else paid for the rental. Or, if you find yourself watching MTV all the time and thinking "wow, this original programming is really the best thing that cable has to offer; in fact, if my cable company would let me, I would subscribe to MTV and no other station." Really, I think it should have been released as a made-for-MTV movie (like Toge+her, but worse).

Here are a few helpful tips for "2 of the 6 writers of Scary Movie" (or x of the y, I am not sure of the exact numbers; whatev. er.)
1) Don't drag out jokes or make them more obvious than necessary. Example. At the beginning of the movie, during the DaVinci Code parody, there was the following text on a painting: "So lame the hair of Tom." Okay, that's pretty funny, haha, yes, yes. But then there is no need to pan over to another painting which shows Tom's "lame hair" from the movie. Just accept the fact that some of the audience won't get the text and move on. Making it more obvious just alienates the viewers that did get it.

2) There are some things that are funny once and only once. Or, at the very least, only once per movie. Take for example referring to a character by the name of some other character the actor is perhaps better-known for. This happened both with "Stifler's Mom" and "Kumar" (of White Castle). In fact, I would say you shouldn't have even done it once. It was funny in Mallrats. But after that, it had been done. (Maybe it was done before Mallrats, but if so, in a movie I haven't seen.)

In addition, for their parody of Pirates of the Carribean, the pirate's name is "Jack Swallows." That was kind of funny when it was a skit on Saturday Night Live! Ostensibly, this is not plagiarism because JS was apparently played by Darrell Hammond (at least in EM).

3) Enough with the poor man's replacements for actors (primarily somebody for Anna Farris, but also every other actor parodied). Can't you come up with original characters? This movie imitated "3 out of the 4 original characters in Scary Movie."

4) At least try for continuity. All I'm asking for is a little effort. The only continuity this movie had were the awful running jokes of the main characters.

I should have known when we walked into the theater and there were about 10 other people there. I thought to myself, "how can it be so empty when just last week it was the top of the Box Office?" I was about to find out. Why didn't you warn me!? I blame you!