It's Been so Long!

Anyway, there is a current CNN.com article (Side note: why do I still read CNN.com?) with the headline "Bush plans conference on school shooting." In a surpise move, I have been given in advance the transcript of this conference (let's assume it's a press conference, okay? This is satire.) It follows.

"We have seen in these past weeks horrendous tragedies unfold in schools across the country. It used to be the case that we would find it shocking that this kind of tragedy would occur at a nice, wealthy, suburban high school. And now, this has happened at none other than an Amish school. There is no less likely school where we would expect this kind of thing to happen. There is only one explanation: the terrorists have infiltrated us to our core. This calls for swift and decisive action. I am the decider. And the Actioner. Effective immediately, metal detectors will be installed at all Amish schoolhouses, along with armed guards. Liquids will also not be permitted inside Amish schoolhouses. Amish folks will be required to purchase televisions and watch them so that they are kept aware of the latest terrorism developments and how best to do their part to protect Amurica. The safety of our nation is more important than the Amish way of shunning electricity.

"Also effective immediately, I am creating a new Department of Amish Homeland Security. Heading this department will be Rep. Mark Foley, and he is the only man capable of this important job, so everyone must give him their unrelenting support. Finally, as a last necessary measure, we will be requiring all Amish men to be clean-shaven, because you can't spot a terrorist as easily in a group of bearded men. Similarly, we will be requiring that all Amish women grow thick beards, as a terrorist woman would never grow a beard (hence, of course, any clean-shaven women left over must be terrorists. Simple and effective!)"

Wow! Such controversy! I can't wait to read about this controversy on CNN.com!